Existential Examen (Day 11)

Are you a podcast listener?  I am.  Before YouTube was a 'thing', I listened to podcasts, and I still do.  I listen mainly when walking, but also, sometimes, when gardening, if I can manage to keep my aged iPod in my pocket!  And sometimes I listen with my laptop, as I stitch or knit or quilt.

I have a few favourites; one of those is produced by To The Best of Our Knowledge (www.ttbook.org).  Yesterday, out walking, I listened to a rebroadcast of a piece that originated back in June 2022.  It's entitled, "You're Not Okay -- and That's Okay." 

As folks say in the current vernacular: "That really resonated with me."

It started with a yard sign back in the days of the COVID-19 pandemic, and I hope it continues.  "It" is this: being vulnerable and brave enough -- in a culture that incessantly pursues happiness -- to say, "I'm not okay."  Being vulnerable and brave enough to solicit empathy and connection -- not pity and isolation.

Being raised in the "Keep Calm and Carry On" tradition -- which my DH and I tried to pass on to our kids, with less-than-stellar results -- I'm not very good at letting people know that 

1. I'm not okay;
2. I've not been okay for a long time; and
3. I don't expect to every be fully okay this side of heaven.

In fact, I'm more than "not very good" at it; I'm terrible at it.

But in this, my 71st year, I'm taking a good hard look at my stiff upper lip, and the angst it's caused in my life, and (I expect) inter-generationally.

There are times when we all need to "Keep Calm and Carry On".  I'd have made a pitiful nurse and incompetent businesswoman if I'd worn my heart -- and my emotions -- on my sleeve in each and every stressful circumstance.  I'm not advocating that.

But what I'm learning is that not having a safe place in which to fall, to fail, to deal with all the emotions hidden inside while one is Keeping Calm and Carrying On, is traumatic.  And eventually, the trauma comes home to roost.

Today, I'm grateful for Charles Monroe-Kane and his yard sign.  I'm grateful for permission to follow his lead, and to not only be "not okay", but to admit it here, on the page.  I'm grateful for friends and family with whom I can connect when I'm feeling particularly "not okay" (some days I'm more "not okay" than others!).  And I'm grateful for the lessons in trauma, vulnerability and courage I'm learning from folks like him, and Brene Brown and Gabor Mate and others.

I'm not okay.

You're probably not okay too.

And that's okay.

Existential Examen - Day 4

 As part of trying to sort myself out this year, I've been participating in a variety of small groups online -- "chat" rather than Zoom, so I can visit at leisure, read and respond (if I want to).  Yesterday one of the posts was about rediscovering joy, and the practices the writer had incorporated into her life to do so.

I've been a long-time journaller, and have shared my delight in fabric, fibre, floss and gardening in these blog pages -- but happiness isn't the same as joy.  Dr. Brene Brown, in writing about the difference between the two in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, talks about the role of gratitude -- and how it's more than an attitude; it's a practice.

That was news to me.  Until I read that, I'd thought about the trend of keeping a "gratitude journal" as, well, trendy.  A fad.  Another self-help 'fashion' that wouldn't really amount to much.  

I was wrong.

Four days in to this series of posts, expressing gratitude in this arena, and I've already found nuggets of actual joy in my days -- such as the noisy parties the birds have been having in my ornamental fruit trees and around my evergreen shrubs, as they dine on whatever birdie goodies they can find.  

Yesterday morning, I just sat and watched.  I was so entranced that when the birds moved from view in my living room, I travelled down the hall to my bedroom to watch them there.  As I became absorbed in watching their birdie behaviour, I realized the feeling that arose.  It wasn't happiness; rather, it was happiness that gave way to delight that gave way to joy.

Today I am grateful for Dr. Brown's work, analysis and wisdom.  I am also grateful for the beauty and busyness of birds -- and I am grateful for the gradual return of joy to my life.

The Happiness Project

Last week, I ate The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I couldn't absorb it fast enough.  I had to 'read, mark, learn and inwardly digest' it.

I'd borrowed it from the library, so I couldn't do make my usual margin notes, add my usual sticky notes to bookmark pages I'd want to re-read.

I might just have to buy a copy, or maybe one of the kids will get it for my birthday (hint, hint). ;-)

Prior to Rubin's funny, honest, inspiring, down-to-earth narrative, I'd spent months chewing on The Divine Conspiracy  by Dallas Willard.  Weightier, perhaps, but for this purportedly-Christian reader, another  in-depth prod in the direction of Real Life.

For 2011, my Word of the Year is "Enough".  Unconsciously, both these books -- and others -- plus prayer, counsel, stumbling and getting up again, have served over the past 8 months to drive the point home:

• It is ENOUGH;
• You ARE enough;
• Life IS enough.

And then, this morning, cruising through TED Talks (I've taken to listening to at least one a day, flipping through the speakers alphabetically and selecting topics that catch my attention), I found Brene Brown on Vulnerability.  I understand Dr. Brown.  She and I have a similar approach to life: it's messy, and we need to clean it up.  Problem is, sometimes the mess refuses to be cleaned up.  Been there.  Handled it by trying to escape, close my ears/eyes/mind/heart to it.  Refused to GO THERE again.  No risks = no pain, right?

WRONG.

When we numb vulnerability, we numb EVERYTHING, including HAPPINESS.

Looks like I've made my choice.

Brene Brown -- what she said...


Have a listen to this. It is enough. (Thanks to Sharon B for sharing.)